I have the greatest family and friends. #graduation #cards #family #love #happy #college (Taken with instagram)

This is my mini freak out. I’m graduating in 18 days. That’s less than three weeks. I’m attempting to finish up coursework, embrace these last couple of weeks at college, figure out what my next move, and apply for jobs. I’m well aware everyone else before me in life that’s graduated college has gone through this. So this is me asking for advice. 

I’m torn between working my ass off and trying to pull all B+’s and A’s and sacrificing what is left of my social life here at college, or taking some B’s and some A’s and having some fun before I’m stuck being an adult forever and ever and ever. Any suggestions?

Sometimes I think that I rush all the good things in life, the big moments I should embrace and soak in, because you’re not around. I try and play things down and tell myself that they aren’t a big deal so that I don’t feel like I need you there. Maybe I subconsciously thought that zipping through college and being done with it would make it easier somehow. Graduation is 32 days away and tonight it hit me that you won’t be there. You weren’t at my middle school graduation, or my high school graduation either, so I don’t know why it took my so long to acknowledge that you won’t be here for this one. The big one.

But who am I kidding? When you were alive you weren’t there anyway, or you were late. So late you missed things. Like me learning to ride a bike. Like my holy communication. Like a dozen other things I was too young to understand probably. But none of that matters now. Because as I’ve grown up I’ve realized something. Your death changed me beyond comprehension. Almost on a daily basis I come to find that my views and feelings have been molded slightly differently than others because you’re gone. It made me scared of so many things, but it also made me realize things. And mom’s struggles and daily choices confirm it. No matter how fucked up someone can be, no matter how thoughtless or hurtful someone can be to themselves as well as their loved ones, you still need them around. And 99% of the time you don’t want them around. They break your heart and you can barely look at them without your stomach turning, but somehow it’s what you need. Id rather you be there and drunk or high than not be there at all. I’d rather have you 24 hours late and congratulation me for the wrong thing rather than being buried six feet under. 

I’ve always needed you, and I always will. 

Because no one is perfect, and a large percent of us are fucked up and wounded and angry and sad about something.

So I’m gonna sit here and miss you and not try and fight, hide, or deny it. Because I’m allowed to miss you. I should. And I always will.

And with that being said, I’m going to keep kicking ass and pushing myself, because your death might have fucked me up… but I also made me the strongest version of me. So when I’m 90, miserable and wrinkly, I’ll sit on my porch, look back on my life, and be absolutely certain that you were proud of me every step of the way.

Miss you dad. I know I don’t believe in much of anything these days, but I do believe you’re there somewhere making sure I don’t screw up too bad. So thank you.